


If You Want Elderly Women To Not Hit You With Their Brooms Then Stop Plucking Flowers From Their Gardens

by TheSimplestOfAllSocks



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gintoki just wants his rent payed, Hijikata is confused, I know it's March, M/M, Plotting Kagura, Shinpachi is just there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 00:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14032491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSimplestOfAllSocks/pseuds/TheSimplestOfAllSocks
Summary: All Gintoki wanted was for Hijikata to pay his rent and save him from Tama's flamethrower. He wasn't expecting flowers, sweets and a certain Yato plotting to break them apart.





	If You Want Elderly Women To Not Hit You With Their Brooms Then Stop Plucking Flowers From Their Gardens

Gintoki was lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling with the latest copy of JUMP resting on his chest. He had already gone through it once and had decided to take a break before his second read. Now if only he could find the perfect position to lie before he went back to his JUMP. He had been shuffling around for a quite a while now and he had yet to attain the ideal position for some reading.

The faint sound of rustling papers filled his ears as he tried to place his right leg over the back of the sofa. Gintoki found that his current position wasn’t much better than his previous one. Maybe if he wriggled a little to the right-

Rustling papers were rustling. They were also being distracting.

Gintoki decided that shifting to the right had been a mistake and then proceeded to shuffle back. He made sure that the JUMP remained balanced on his chest. He was quite content with the positioning of his fingers and didn’t want to uncurl them.

_Rustle, rustle_

_This is far enough_ , Gintoki concluded when he suddenly found himself at the loss of more shuffling space. _Yes, I was planning to have my left leg abruptly fall off the sofa and hit the floor painfully from the start. It’s all a part of the grand scheme of events._

_Rustle, rustle, rustle._

That didn’t mean plans couldn’t be altered. A true samurai should be able to change his plans as new unexpected situations came his way.

_Rustle, rustle, rustle, rustle._

Which is why he should rustle a bit to the rustle so that his rustle was better rustled.

“Will you quit it already!” two voices spoke at once. Both had a note of desperation in them. Of slight madness.

“Quit what? What is with you and paperwork anyway, huh? Why do you caress them so fondly? Their rustle-ful moaning is driving me mad!”

“What about you? You haven’t stopped squirming since you laid down. You can’t even laze around without being a pain in the ass!”

“No, this is it. I want a divorce! Not once have you touched my face so sensually. Go molest some divorce papers and set me free from this rustling prison!”

“Maybe I will! At least I’ll be free from the shuffling mess of a person you are.”

“Well, at least you aren’t stuck with a man who could probably jack off to an envelope filled with mayonnaise.”

“At leas- Why the hell are you under the table?”

“Just a man trying to be comfortable, Hijikata-kun. You got a problem with that?”

“One of your legs is on the sofa. Isn’t it numb?”

“I stopped feeling it a while ago and am considering an amputation as we speak.”

Gintoki sat up straight, carefully avoiding hitting his head under the table. By the time he could feel his leg again, Hijikata had already gone back to work. Tch. What a workaholic. Gintoki almost regretted how he had generously offered the Mayora his place when he had come running to him complaining about young sadists who loved blowing up rooms and getting in the way of their superior’s work.

He had planned to coerce Hijikata into paying his rent again once he had finished working. He knew that it was only a matter of days before the old hag would start shouting outside his door and making the society conscious of what a dishonest man he was. Refusing to pay an old lady money wasn’t going to win him any cool points.

He was also afraid of Tama’s flamethrower. Actually, that was his main concern.

The Vice-Commander had then dashed all of his hopes of having a proper conversation let alone getting to the part of the conversation with thinly veiled threats by pulling out papers after papers from his bag once he had settled down. Gintoki, who had once refused to send back New Year’s postcards on seeing that the stack had more than fourteen cards couldn’t possibly fathom why Hijikata was willing to do all this work on his own. The only explanation was some strange fetish he had neglected to tell Gintoki about.   

The Vice-Commander had been working for hours now. Every time Gintoki had tried to strike up a conversation, he had been brutally shot down.

Gintoki hadn’t failed to notice how the Mayora was now talking in full sentences again instead of the grunts he had been offering as replies for the past few hours and decided to seize the moment. He got up and placed his precious JUMP on the table.

“Did you fire everyone in the Shinsengumi because you saw them as incompetent? Is that why you have to do everything now? You see, this is exactly why organisations hire people in the first place,” Gintoki said approaching his office table.

“As tempting as that sounds, Kondo-san already told me not to do that again,” Hijikata replied without looking up.

Gintoki leaned down in front of Hijikata making sure to zip open his black shirt a little more. Adopting a seductive tone, he said, “No one’s home, you know. What do you say about some ding-a-long play?”

“Say that again and I’ll personally cut off your dick. And stop leaning like that. You don’t have a cleavage, you moron.”

“Are you saying these manly pecs aren’t enough for you?”

Hijikata didn’t reply immediately. Instead, he let a long breath before putting his pen down and looking up.

“Okay, what do you want?”

“Freedom from this constant cycle of birth and death,” Gintoki deadpanned.

“Idiot, stop wasting my time and just tell me what is it that you want. You are being more annoying than usual today.”

It was already getting late and Hijikata would soon have to go back. Gintoki told himself that the only reason he was feeling disappointed was because he couldn’t get to talking about his rent with Hijikata. It wasn’t because he had been actually looking forward to spending some time with the bastard again after they hadn’t been able to meet for three weeks.

Gintoki let his gaze fall on the calendar on the other side of the room. Now only if he played his part right, he might just win a huge prize tomorrow.

“You have work tomorrow?” Gintoki asked feigning disinterest as he looked out the window.

Hijikata was a little taken aback by the question. He was fully expecting Gintoki to try to get some money out of him before he left. The bastard was probably being manipulative again. Hijikata reminded himself to be cautious or before long he would find himself forking over his hard earned money to this human leech.

“Actually, Kondo-san gave some of us a day off tomorrow while spouting some nonsense about something being in the air,” Hijikata said, recalling the events that had transpired earlier that day, “No one’s currently sick in the Shinsengumi so I don’t really know what he was talking about.”

And he really didn’t. Kondo had just popped into his room out of nowhere clearly evading the many duties that awaited him in his own quarters and started talking about how Hijikata should take a day off the next day. Hijikata had obviously refused. He hadn’t pointed out how the last time he had taken a day off he had came back to Sougo having threatened a lot of their subordinates into plotting a mutiny against him.

Kondo had ended up being more stubborn than usual, telling him to enjoy his youth and not let the efforts of one half naked child with heart shaped arrows go to waste. While Kondo had been intensely wriggling his eyebrows, Hijikata had given some serious thought to whether it was finally the time to arrest his Commander. Kondo had already committed his fair share of crimes but to wriggle his eyebrows so passionately that they were on the verge of flying off his face while talking about half naked children was really pushing it. 

Hijikata had ended up giving in when his Commander had asked him for the seventh time. From over the bathroom stall. While Hijikata had been inside and actively using it.

Gintoki hummed, eyes still fixed on something outside his window. Hijikata subtly turned around trying to find whatever it was that had caught Gintoki’s attention. All he could see was a wall. He wasn’t the least bit surprised to find that a wall was amusing enough for the Yorozuya.

“I am thinking that I could drop by here tomorrow with some more paperwork. Kondo-san wouldn’t be pleased if he saw me working at the barracks,” Hijikata continued.

Something shifted in Gintoki demeanour as soon as the words were out of Hijikata’s mouth. There was a glint of something in his eyes as they were again directed at him. Then suddenly his expression changed. He looked _dejected_. Hijikata floundered at the sudden change of emotion wondering what was it that he had done to make Gintoki look so crestfallen.

“This is not a rest house, Hijikata-kun. I expect you to pay. A million yen per hour.”

“Wouldn’t that make it a rest house?”

“Or maybe you can stay behind and look after the house while I am gone. Can’t leave the house unattended, can we?”

“You three go out together all the time.”

“This time it may take a while. I am going on a quest to find someone out there who actually cares for me.”

“Oi, what is with this melodramatic shit? What happened?”

“Poor Gin-san was foolishly expecting at least a chocolate is what happened. How naive of him! How foolish!”

“What do chocolates have to do wi- oh.”

Valentine’s Day. Hijikata looked at the calendar hanging on the wall. 13th of February. Tomorrow was Valentine’s Day. Oh.

This would be his first Valentine’s Day with Gintoki as his partner. Hijikata honestly hadn’t thought that they would reach it and so hadn’t put any thought into it. Hijikata had always assumed that this thing with Gintoki wouldn’t last long and Gintoki would soon break it all off once his curiosity or whatever it was that had possessed him to ask Hijikata out in the first place was sated. Turns out he had been wrong. Gintoki had somehow managed to fit perfectly in his life. Hijikata had been surprised to find out what a big part Gintoki had already occupied in his life before they had even started dating. Everyone at the barracks was already familiar with him and not many had been surprised when he had later introduced him to them as his partner.

Hijikata had always been of the mind that a relationship would come between his work and himself but Gintoki had once again surprised him. He wasn’t clingy and wouldn’t get angry if they couldn’t see each other for weeks. He was also quite understanding of Hijikata’s work for someone who claimed to hate the police. Which is why he would never have thought that Gintoki would even care about such days. Wasn’t he the one always mocking overly sweet couples? Then again the guy kind of deserved a normal thing like that in between the chaos he called his life. A day where he would get free sweets seemed exactly the kind of day Gintoki would look forward to.

He looked at Gintoki who had made his way back to the sofa and was now flipping through his JUMP. Was Gintoki upset? With the way he had asked him, it looked like he had been planning something. And Hijikata had talked about more paperwork! He had already spent a whole day doing paperwork instead of giving Gintoki some of his time. They hadn’t seen each other for weeks for God’s sake.

“Oh!” Hijikata exclaimed trying to catch the perm head’s attention, “It seems like I am all done with paperwork! There might actually be nothing left for tomorrow. I wonder how I should spend my day off now that I have no work?” Gintoki didn’t look up and continued reading.

“What should I do tomorrow?” Hijikata spoke a little louder. Maybe Gintoki would see him struggling and take pity on him. The bastard still hadn’t looked up or showed any sign that he had heard him. Well, he just had to keep trying till he did.

“WHAT SHOULD I DO-”

“You can shut the fuck up for once,” Kagura cut in putting an end to his pathetic attempts to make peace with his lover.

“Oh, you guys are back. Good. You got me my strawberry milk?” Gintoki said, sitting up again. Shinpachi tossed him a carton as he made his way to the kitchen to stow the rest of the groceries.

“Gin-chan!” Kagura shouted as she jumped on the sofa with Gintoki “Granny called you downstairs. She said she had something to say to you. Hey, don’t run away! I don’t think she wants the rent money just yet.”

“Oh” Gintoki said as he climbed down from the window he was preparing to jump out from, “I’ll go and see what she wants then. You better not be plotting with her!”

Kagura turned towards Hijikata just as the door slammed shut behind Gintoki.

“So what did you do?”

Hijikata pointedly looked anywhere but in her direction. Gintoki had definitely been onto something. That wall was in fact quite interesting.

“Mayora, you better spit out what happened. I saw you doing your own version of groveling. Have you forgotten what I told you about upsetting Gin-chan?”

How could he? That had been one of the most terrifying talks in his life. Hijikata would rather face a whole lot of Joui rebels, alone, without a sword than go through that again. The things she had threatened to do to him if he failed to be anything but a perfect boyfriend had left him horrified. And he tortured battle hardened criminals as a job.

“I think he got upset when I forgot that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.” Hijikata decided to be honest before she started snooping around with her dog trying to find clues as to what happened. And she _would._ He knew it.

Someone let out a theatrical gasp. Hijikata whirred around to find Shinpachi standing right next to him. Where had he come from? Wasn’t he in the kitchen a minute ago? No wonder the Yorozuya was able to get away with all those crimes. These kids were freaking ninjas! Shinpachi grabbed him by the shoulder.

“Hijikata-san, you have done a great wrong! What a foul act you have committed!”

Flecks of spit flew out his mouth and Hijikata resisted the urge to cut him down then and there. That would only anger Gintoki further.

“For years, Gin-san and I have endured the many trials that came our way in order to get some chocolates on the great day of Valentine!”

 Wasn’t this kid the straight man? What the fuck was his deal?

“And finally Gin-san had somehow managed to land someone who due to some mental affliction found his permy ass endearing.”

Hijikata couldn’t figure out for whom that comment was more insulting. Him or Gintoki?

“And you’re saying that that one person forgot all about the great day? What a cruel turn of fate!”

Gintoki and his kids should perform street plays. They would be rich in no time. Hijikata faintly remembered his Commander telling him that they actually had done something of the nature when he had dressed up as a cockroach. Hijikata knew better than to ask him to elaborate. He couldn’t arrest him if he didn’t know anything.

“I’ll make things right. You lot don’t have to worry about it,” Hijikata said, standing up. No way was he doing anything in front of the kids. They would only interrupt and criticize his apologizing skills in the middle of his apology.

“What do you plan to do, Mayora?” Kagura asked him before he could exit the room. Seeing that his back was towards her, Hijikata turned around before answering.

“Apologize?”

Kagura kept glaring at him.

“And buy him some chocolates?”

Why wouldn’t she stop glaring?

“And parfaits. A lot of parfaits.”

What was he doing wrong? Why was that heated gaze still directed at him?

“Ask him to marry me.”

Kagura stopped glaring at him. But the way look of disgust that had taken its place wasn’t much better.

“No, Mayora, you complete and utter birdbrain. You are going to give him the best Valentine’s Day ever.” _Let’s just hope now that Gin-chan gets so disgusted by your overly sappy ass that he ends up leaving you._

Hijikata cursed his fates when he heard that. There was no way this would end well for him or Gintoki. Hijikata had always told himself that he wouldn’t mind if Gintoki ended things between them. It was something that had to happen sooner or later. But somewhere along the lines Hijikata had found out that he had started caring. He had gotten to know Gintoki from a whole new perspective and had revealed parts of his past to him that were only privy to those who were extremely close to him. In return, Gintoki had talked about his own past. He hadn’t told him much, neither of them had, but he had divulged parts of it. He had talked about the tough decisions he had to make. How he still dreamt about them. Hijikata had listened closely. He had known that it was something very important and he had found himself scared of the wave of new emotions that came with the knowledge. With time, some things started to change for Hijikata. He found out that he could no longer toss his usual insults at Gintoki. He could no longer get himself to call him a waste of space or a useless good-for-nothing. That had just served to make him more angry and confused.

So he had deliberately gone against that feeling.

He had started to snap at the smallest things just like when they had first met. He had called Gintoki the vilest things he could think of. Kagura had been the one to witness that and put a stop to it all. One afternoon, Hijikata had been shouting at Gintoki after he had accidently dropped ink on his kimono. He had been too angry to notice that Gintoki wasn’t saying anything back. That he was just standing there and taking it all mutely. He didn’t remember what it was that he had said when Kagura had stepped in. All he remembered was that it had been something real bad. The next thing he had known was Kagura punching him. Hard. She had then dragged him outside, all the while telling him to never step a foot in Kabukicho again if he didn’t want to be killed.

“What the fuck do you know?” she had said as she had slammed the door in his face.

Hijikata had gotten his ass handed to him every time he went back to apologize to Gintoki. To at least explain to him that he didn’t mean anything. To tell him that Hijikata knew that Gintoki was none of the things he had called him. The underlings that he had tried to send with his message had not returned in any better shape. It was only after Hijikata had knelt down in front of Otose and the two kids in front of everyone in Otose’s Snack House pleading to talk to Gintoki one last time that they had allowed him to go upstairs. Gintoki, the bastard, had forgiven him just like that after Hijikata had explained himself. While Gintoki had been asking him to treat him to at least three parfaits, Hijikata had felt a strong surge of protectiveness well up inside him. He had realised that the idiot in front of didn’t know how to protect himself or just didn’t think he was worth it. Hijikata had sworn that day to never go against any feeling he might have regarding Gintoki.

Soon Hijikata had discovered another thing about himself. He hated to see Gintoki disappointed. It was the small things that clued him in to this feeling. Like how whenever he heard Gintoki let out a small whine on finding that the last of strawberry milk was gone, he felt the sudden need to go to a store. He had told himself that he only went to buy some more cigarettes but that excuse was flimsy at best when he already had an almost full pack in his pockets.  He had once found himself secretly buying the weekly JUMP when Gintoki had gone off to space for some job. The incredulous and affectionate look Gintoki had given him when he handed over the thing had made him flush.

This situation was now becoming something like that. He knew that Gintoki wouldn’t really mind if he didn’t go along with Kagura’s plan and would just be content with a few chocolates. But what if that idiot was actually looking forward to tomorrow?

“What the hell happened to you, Mayora? Come on, get moving. We have a lot to do and we’re burning daylight!” Kagura stood up from the sofa and bounced towards the door.

“Where exactly are we heading?” Hijikata asked already following her.

“We’re going to get flowers. Lots of flowers.”

Hijikata sighed. All he needed now was cheesy pick up lines to make this thing more of a disaster than it already was.

 

                                                                                                     oO_____________Oo

 

Gintoki decided to ignore the banging on his door. The world should be ending for him to get out of his bed this soon. And even if it was really ending who was he to get in its way and tell it what to do? Anyone who was out there that early in the morning would undoubtedly be some kind of demon anyway and Gintoki was just sparing them all some unnecessary trouble. The banging continued. Where the hell was Kagura?

“Goddamnit, break the whole fucking door, would you?” Gintoki grumbled as dragged himself towards the door.

 He slid open his door ready to murder someone only to get a face full of flowers.

“This must be a door to heaven,” a hauntingly familiar voice came from somewhere behind the flowers, “‘Cause I see an angel standing in front of me.”

_The fuck?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback will be really appreciated.


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